A new holiday classic: Rare Exports; or if you’re in the States: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. This is Jalmari Helander’s debut feature and one that can stay on the rotating Christmas movie watch list until the end of time. We made it a Christmas Party and invited past guests (Josh, Kat, and Tighe) and a new special guest (Renée) so ENJOY!
I can't believe we got here! No, honestly. How did we get here? It's all been a blur. The blur of movement we made to get to episode 40. We started this podcast in August of 2021 with the vain hopes it would do "OK". I'm just happy we ended 2022 on a round number.
We celebrate episode 40 looking at Jalmari Helander's RARE EXPORTS, a "rare" welcome addition to the traditional Christmas viewing year in, year out. And we celebrate with friends. A whole bunch of them in a Christmas Party setting with similar antics. There's some suspect jokes, wild views and a dude on all-fours licking people's hands. It wouldn't be Christmas without it!
But really, this is a special Christmas film and well worthy of being our last coverage of the year so sit back, pull up a foot rest, grab your egg-nog and gaze into the burning trash fire. We'll see you in the New Year.
Speaker A: This is me, I'm talking. This is me, ryan. Laura.
Speaker B: This is me, Laura, and I'm talking at Christmas party.
Speaker A: Renee.
Speaker C: This is me, Renee. I'm talking. It feels weird.
Speaker D: Uh, this is Katy at a, uh, Christmas party.
Speaker A: Ty.
Speaker E: This is Ty at a Christmas party.
Speaker F: Josh.
Speaker G: Fuck your Christmas party. I'm not going to.
Speaker B: Well, hello there. Welcome to On the BiTTE the podcast that uncovers full frontal male nudity and cinema. Uh, my name is Laura, and holy guacamole, you guys. We have so many people in this room right now because it's a Christmas party. It's a holiday party. Uh, hi, Ryan.
Speaker A: Hello. There's too many people in this room.
Speaker B: It's warm in here.
Speaker A: Yeah, it's a little sweaty.
Speaker B: I'm really sorry.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker B: We have returning guests, uh, here today. We're going to do this, uh, from the other side of the table that no one can see because this is an audio podcast. We have Josh here for how many times have you been here, Josh?
Speaker G: Like, 41234. This is the fifth time. Yeah. You need to get more friends or something.
Speaker B: This is true. We'll take that into consideration. Um, and then we also have Ty, which is his second time.
Speaker F: Hello. Hello.
Speaker E: Happy to be back.
Speaker B: So nice to have you here. And we have Katie. And this is your third, I think. Second? Is it second or third?
Speaker D: I don't know. I can't keep track.
Speaker G: I was on here with you once. So did you do it by yourself at any point?
Speaker B: I didn't.
Speaker D: It's my second time.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: Okay, great. And we have Renee on very first time. Welcome, Renee. Thank you.
Speaker C: Happy to be here.
Speaker B: Okay, we brought everyone together for this holiday Christmas party because we were talking about I don't know if this is an infamous Christmas film, but it's a pretty big deal. Uh, I think this is a great movie. It is the 2010 action horror comedy rare Exports.
Speaker A: A Christmas Tale.
Speaker B: A, uh, Christmas tale, which is, uh I was just saying a kind of American addition to the title so that everyone knew that it was a Christmas movie. Because you have to spell it out for Americans. Otherwise we don't understand anything.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: And also bad. Santa was already.
Speaker G: Know. I feel like I'm jumping the gun on this, but can we just all accept that Bad Santa is sorely missing dick? That movie should have full frontal male nudity in it. It has everything else.
Speaker B: I will not watch that film.
Speaker A: The film's real gross, but I think it's really funny.
Speaker B: I hate Billy Bob Thornton.
Speaker G: Fuck you. I'm leaving.
Speaker C: I can't accept him too.
Speaker B: Thank you. Thank you, Renee.
Speaker G: He is a delight. I met, um, him. It was great. This has been something just chain smoking on stage of the Egyptian didn't give a fuck. It was awesome.
Speaker B: Has he been me too yet? Because I feel like he won't be.
Speaker G: He won't be because he gets consent. It's not going to be good. But he's like hanging out with chicks that are some real fucked up I bet.
Speaker E: Yeah, I can't disagree with you.
Speaker C: He gets bad consent.
Speaker F: Okay.
Speaker G: No, it's good consent because they're just all into this filth. I'm sure of it. It's like, is John Waters going to be mean to no, because he fucks twinks that are into.
Speaker F: Wait.
Speaker D: You think that Billy Bob Thornton and John Waters are like the same caliber?
Speaker G: Oh, yeah, for sure.
Speaker B: No, I don't like that.
Speaker A: I don't like fervency to your defense of Billy Bob Thornton. That is.
Speaker E: And uh, it's actually working on me.
Speaker G: I believe it. I mean, I'm kind of a believer. Copies of his country records, the boxmaster stuff. Fucking amazing. Forgot he was amazing.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: All dripping with misogyny.
Speaker B: I used to have someone prank call me when I worked at Hollywood Video pretending to be Billy Bob Thornton from Slingblade. It would happen all the time.
Speaker F: That's awesome.
Speaker B: I don't know. I never, to this day, have no idea who was calling me.
Speaker E: Oh my God, I wish this was a Colin show.
Speaker A: It was Billy Bob Thornton.
Speaker E: Yeah.
Speaker A: Or it was actually Billy Bob.
Speaker D: Wait, they could have just that could have been their voice.
Speaker B: No, it was like lines typically saying.
Speaker G: Mustard and biscuits.
Speaker E: Louisiana.
Speaker B: I've never seen Slingblade, obviously, because I don't like it.
Speaker G: Dwight Yokem's in it. All my favorites are in that movie.
Speaker B: Okay, so let me throw out the synopsis real quick of the film rare Exports, which is the film that we're talking about, our Christmas film. Um, how do we say, I cannot do the characters names. This is a Finnish film.
Speaker A: Um, well, I can get them up.
Speaker B: And I can have say the child's name.
Speaker A: Well, hold on, I haven't got it in front of me otherwise.
Speaker B: Petrie Pitari.
Speaker F: Mhm.
Speaker B: Young Pitari lives with his reindeer herding father in Arctic Finland. On the eve of Christmas, a nearby excavation makes a frightening discovery and an evil Santa Claus is unleashed.
Speaker G: Uh, that's kind of what it's about a little bit.
Speaker C: Uh, it's a little misleading because then you think, yeah, they're all Santas, but there's the big Santa.
Speaker G: I feel like on paper, this feels like more of a family movie than it is. And it's not not a family movie if your family's cool.
Speaker B: Yes, the, uh, director was saying that as well. I mean, in some of the interviews, people were asking him, do you think children could watch this film? He goes, well, I would let my kids watch it because I'm cool, but I think there's a lot of elements that maybe aren't appropriate for some people's kids.
Speaker G: Yeah, I mean, I watched it with my father last year. Granted, I'm an adult, but I could see him watching that with me when I was twelve.
Speaker E: There's a reconciliation in it, kind of off screen, but it's fine.
Speaker A: Happy family.
Speaker A: There's an inherent darkness in the film, which you can get from fairy tales and the grim stuff. I think that's kind of evident and present in this. And certainly a lot of it is based off of Scandinavian, uh, folklore as well.
Speaker G: Well, all grid's Christmas stories are kind of dark and fucked up in some way, I'd say.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: If you go back far enough.
Speaker G: I mean, even Christmas Carol isn't that long ago. That's a pretty dark story.
Speaker A: I mean, yeah. It's about being haunted by your dead partners because you swindled money off of poor people. I mean, that's effectively what that story is all about.
Speaker D: Well, and, uh, It's a Wonderful Life is pretty dark because he's about to kill him. He's like, going to jump off.
Speaker E: Let's not forget about Gremlins.
Speaker C: Renee's favorite part of story about the chimney.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker C: Ah.
Speaker E: Which Joe Dante fought to have in the photo. I love it.
Speaker G: I love that. It really did.
Speaker E: They were adamant to cut it. He was like, absolutely not. That story is staying in the movie.
Speaker G: And it changed people's, uh, um, view. They thought that that statistic was accurate. Oh, it's not. It's not accurate. More suicides don't happen over the holidays. But people believed it because it was a fucking Joe Dante Steven Spielberg movie. And that's awesome.
Speaker E: She just casually throws out opening their wrists. They could be opening presents while they're opening their wrists. It's like, Jesus. It just keeps going. You're like, my God.
Speaker F: Yeah. Today.
Speaker E: That would not pass.
Speaker B: Anyway, so the tagline of this film I'm going to run through this real quick. So I want to hear a little bit about the director as well. So the tagline of this film is very funny, actually. He knows if you've been naughty, he knows if you've been nice, and he doesn't give a shit. It's cute. It's cute. So it's starring some Finnish actors. We have a father and son in the movie who are father and son in real life. And they have Finnish names. So why don't we talk about the director?
Speaker A: Ryan yeah, we can.
Speaker B: I mean, they're all fabulous.
Speaker A: Well, the director also has a Finnish name because he's from Finland as well.
Speaker B: His name is slightly easier to pronounce than everyone else's.
Speaker A: Jarmali helanda, um I don't mean m I think I got there.
Speaker B: Perfection.
Speaker A: Oh, wait, hold on. I'll do it again. Jalmari halander yeah.
Speaker B: You just got to commit to it.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: See, I did jorno.
Speaker A: Thing is, I can get away with this. I'm technically European. So it's okay. I'm allowed.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: The thing is, we're also yeah, we've butchered so much here. Um, no. Well, you're talking about oni Tamalia and Jorma Tomalia, who are the father son teen.
Speaker B: This because the young boys tommy Corpella is another person that's in this film.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: Or Elmari. That is a hard one. I used to do German, so I kind of understand the difference between these oomlated, uh, vowels. But yeah.
Speaker B: No, it's coming across perfectly.
Speaker A: Anyway, I've said the director's name already. So he's a Finnish screenwriter and film director. He's uh, an award winning short film and commercials director. And Rare Exports is effectively his feature film debut. Um, so his filmography, uh, for the most part, he started off making short films. Um, so let's say in 1999 he made a film called Iceman. Same year he made Maximilian Tarzan. In 2001. He made Yokonin. And then in 2003 and 2005, we have the two films that effectively inspired, uh, the feature film version. Uh, in 2003 we have Rear Exports, Incorporated, and in 2005 we have the official Rear Exports, Incorporated safety instructions. And then in 2006 we have a film called The Fakir. Uh, but basically, yes, those are the two films that inspire the making of what becomes the full version of, uh, Rare Exports.
Speaker B: We were trying to figure out if those were on the physical DVD or the Blu ray.
Speaker E: They're on the Blu ray.
Speaker B: They're on the Blu ray? Oh, great.
Speaker E: I've seen that. They're on the Blu ray. Has anybody seen them?
Speaker B: I ran out of time.
Speaker E: We watched them on YouTube. They're on there in a terrible, uh, not the greatest quality, but they're on there.
Speaker C: Yeah.
Speaker G: The video quality or the video quality of the film?
Speaker E: No, the video quality is just like 240. Whoever stole it, I mean, it was officially put on YouTube, I think I read on the internet. But from what I can find now, it's not i, um, would say the first one, you can tell that he's like a commercial director because they're presented as sales videos. Uh, um, the first one is like how they procure the Santas. And the second one's like a safety video for handling your Santa when you get it. So they're like English voiced over least. The second one at least has the same father and son, but I think it might be the same three actors.
Speaker C: For both of them, they're wearing less.
Speaker B: Clothes and it's 240.
Speaker C: So it's hard to tell if it's the same people.
Speaker E: But I would say the first one, if you've already seen where experts, is kind of ruined because the whole setup is like this big thing where they're following the hunters and you don't know. And then it's a reveal that they're hunting a Father Christmas. So it kind of ruined. The second one is very funny. It's like a funny handling, like PSA.
Speaker C: Kind of thing with all the rules.
Speaker E: Yeah, I would say the first one does have, uh, a naked, uh, Father Christmas in it. The second one, sadly, the second one, they're closed. It's a bit of a cop out, I think. But anyway.
Speaker A: It'S probably a little bit frowned upon just sending naked old men through the mail.
Speaker C: Well, I said that the guy doesn't look like Santa. And we decided that it might ruin your career as a Santa if your dick is on YouTube.
Speaker E: Probably if that got out there, I'd probably be like, yeah, maybe don't come to work at its part.
Speaker B: Okay, Ryan.
Speaker D: Sorry about that.
Speaker A: No, that's okay. Um, I mean, I didn't really have much to add other than he's made three other films after rare exports. One including Big Game, which is a Sam Jackson movie. Um, in 2014. He had a recent release in 2022 with Immortal. And he has another movie that's been announced called Jerry and Miss Universe.
Speaker B: Jerry. Or is it Jerry and Miss Universe?
Speaker A: Universe.
Speaker G: It's a remake of the, uh, Gus Vans fant movie.
Speaker B: What?
Speaker G: There was a Gus Van Stant movie?
Speaker A: That's really boring.
Speaker G: That fucking joke out. He would love that joke. Gus would love that joke.
Speaker A: I was going to laugh because that's just a walking in the desert movie with Matt Damon and Casey Affleck.
Speaker F: Right? Yeah.
Speaker B: Why didn't you laugh at the joke then? I've never seen that movie.
Speaker A: Well, you don't need to. That's the whole point. You don't need to see the movie. We just explained it to you anyway.
Speaker B: Yeah, great. I think that the young boy oni Tamila is in all of these movies.
Speaker A: He's in big game. He's got top billing with Sam Jackson.
Speaker G: That's lovely.
Speaker A: Um, yeah. I don't know. He's an action star now.
Speaker B: That's great.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: I do want to start off this film starts off with an archaeological excavation. And I want to point out that archaeologists ruin everything. It's all their fault.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker G: Don't disagree.
Speaker A: Usually in cinema yeah, you're right. It belongs in a museum.
Speaker F: Okay.
Speaker B: As an archaeologist, I disagree. It belongs in the ground. And keep those Santas in there.
Speaker F: Okay. Yeah.
Speaker A: I mean, you're only saying that just purely on the basis that as you're the person digging it out of the ground, you just don't want to do the digging.
Speaker B: I just want to go home.
Speaker A: Yeah, typically you just can't be bothered.
Speaker B: You send me to Finland.
Speaker E: I'm just not just blasting shit out of there. To be fair, I don't think there was a shovel involved.
Speaker C: Very deep hole.
Speaker A: To be fair.
Speaker B: He said it was the biggest burial mound ever. It puts the pyramids to shame.
Speaker A: Yeah. Good luck trying to shovel the ground in Finland, though, because it's below zero. Almost all of the um yeah, good luck trying to dig with your hands. Um, yeah, just blow it up. Just blow the fucking thing up.
Speaker E: I'd like to also point out they were Americans. Also the root of all evil American archaeologists.
Speaker B: Hilarious. And their accents were very American.
Speaker E: Very.
Speaker A: Which is was that first person that we meet at the beginning of the film actually American, though, because he sounds English. Sound like a little bit like this?
Speaker B: No, he was just a man who could speak English.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: That they hired for the film.
Speaker A: Um, we need an English man. I was like, okay, that'll work. He'll do that'll work. Yeah, that's it.
Speaker B: You know, the kid's friend, uh, I don't remember the kid's name.
Speaker E: Oh, well, I'm Juno.
Speaker A: Juso.
Speaker B: Juso.
Speaker C: Yeah.
Speaker F: Juso.
Speaker A: G-U-U-S-A.
Speaker B: Uh, do you remember Pete?
Speaker F: And Pete?
Speaker B: Do you remember that show? He looks like the older Pete.
Speaker E: Absolutely looks like the older Pete. Thank you.
Speaker B: Oh, great.
Speaker E: He does.
Speaker B: I'm glad I wrote that down.
Speaker E: Guys, the Laplander Pete.
Speaker B: There's a lot happening in this movie, and I really only wrote notes for the end of the film, which is pretty sad. Um, well, it's not sad. I mean, it's an interesting movie and it doesn't lag at all.
Speaker A: Yeah, I don't think it's not a bad movie, but it's a gem amongst the plethora of other kind of Christmas, uh, movies that we're treated to kind of year in, year, uh, out. Um, because it's different. I think this is different. I mean, in terms of the pantheon of, uh, horror Christmas movies, my favorite is probably Black Christmas, potentially.
Speaker D: Yeah, but which one?
Speaker E: Yeah, which of the many?
Speaker A: Oh, the original.
Speaker E: I'm on the original.
Speaker G: I mean, I love the other ones as well. The second one especially is very good.
Speaker D: The second one is very two thousand s. And then the new one I really liked as well. I thought it was fun.
Speaker B: A lot of people hated it.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: The guy who directed the first remake, Glenn Morgan, he had previously made the Willard remake, which I also think is very good. And when he was making the Black Christmas remake, he's like, if this movie flops, I'm never going to work again. And then it flopped. And he never worked again. M. He has not made another feature since.
Speaker D: I mean, you got to love a man who keeps his word.
Speaker G: I just would like to see him make $10 million remakes for the rest of his life.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: To be fair, that choice might have been taken out of his hands.
Speaker G: I think that's what happened.
Speaker F: Exactly.
Speaker A: He's a man of his word by putting his word in the control of someone else.
Speaker C: I love Krampus.
Speaker G: Um, I just got the 4K disk of the Unrated version, and I haven't watched it yet because I bought it. The scream factory sale.
Speaker D: I would like to see that. I enjoyed Violent Night, that new one that just came out. So as far as, like, Killer Santas.
Speaker B: Go, but that David Harbor one. Yeah.
Speaker D: And then, uh, Santa Sleigh is a perfect movie.
Speaker G: I did just watch that again.
Speaker B: That's the goldberg one. Yeah. Perfect.
Speaker G: We're neglecting. The actual best, though, is Silent Night. Deadly Night part two, I guess. I mean, it is so good. So good.
Speaker E: It's audio only. We can't tell that Josh's screen, uh, on his phone is Silent Night, deadly Night.
Speaker G: That's true.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker D: And, uh, Josh, you were just talking earlier about how you don't get excited about things. You got really excited just now.
Speaker G: I do get excited about that.
Speaker C: His eyes lit up.
Speaker G: Have you seen it? It's amazing.
Speaker B: I don't know if I have we're.
Speaker G: Going to watch all five of them then.
Speaker B: There's five.
Speaker G: Yeah, there are.
Speaker D: Oh, my God.
Speaker C: Sounds, uh, like our next party.
Speaker G: Yeah, it's great. Three, four, and five are finally getting released on Blu ray this Tuesday. I already pre ordered it. Oh, my God. Because my DVD quality sucks. It's like a VHS rip. It's garbage. But I've dealt with it for years.
Speaker B: You've dealt with it.
Speaker G: The fifth one has Mickey Rooney in it.
Speaker E: It does.
Speaker G: And he protested the original because he didn't like the idea of all the angry moms were upset about Killer Santa. And he joined in the protest and then, like, ten years later, starred in the fifth one.
Speaker A: Gets up in the morning, stirs a coffee, looks over at the shelf, shakes. Disappointingly at the quality of those DVDs.
Speaker G: You have no idea. I haven't sitting at the old DVD, sitting on my coffee table right now. Just like, I'm going to put this online. Or, Somebody's got to take this out of my house. I don't even want it around anymore. It's been a burden for far too long.
Speaker D: Oh, my God.
Speaker B: I'm going to put it on the list.
Speaker G: Brian USNA of reanimator fame. He directed part four. Clint Howard's in it.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: Screaming mad George did the special effects. It's fucking rules.
Speaker B: Treasures.
Speaker A: But yeah. Laura, it shouldn't come as a surprise.
Speaker A: We spoke about it on the episode.
Speaker B: Do you think I remember things that we talk about on these episodes?
Speaker A: I don't know.
Speaker F: Obviously. Yeah.
Speaker B: I barely remember this film. We just watched it.
Speaker C: So I was wondering if this mountain was a real place. And I looked it up. And they call it a hill on Google Maps.
Speaker A: It definitely looks like a hill.
Speaker F: Yes.
Speaker C: Corpa Tentori. And it says a hill associated with, uh oh. And then I also read the Google reviews of the location of the hill. And, uh, it's a nice place to go hiking, they say. And also people send their Christmas cards from there.
Speaker G: I want to see what the three star reviews for. That is the people who say, fuck this hill. That's pretty funny. And the people who really like it is fucking weird. I want to be like, eh, I've seen better.
Speaker E: Yeah.
Speaker B: Also make there were three cards from elsewhere. There are three reviews, to be fair.
Speaker G: What was the average score? Were they all fives?
Speaker C: Oh, man.
Speaker B: I think, yeah, they're all high.
Speaker C: There was nature lovers we need to.
Speaker G: Go on there and review that and start dragging that average down because that's funny. Is it close to being a mountain? Uh, like that Hugh Grant movie. Oh, God.
Speaker B: The man who went up a hill.
Speaker C: I don't know the definitions and differences, but it looks like a big hill of rock.
Speaker B: Technically, it's a fell.
Speaker E: It's a geographic. Um, is it true? Are you making no, it's, um, a fell, which is just I think technically, I don't know, like a sparse geographic feature. Um I don't know. That's what they call so I did find out the reason people think that is. Like, it's like some Orson Wells, uh, war of the World shit. Some radio DJ in it was either Finland or, I think made that, uh, up and it stuck. And that sort of became a thing in popular culture.
Speaker F: There.
Speaker C: Love that.
Speaker B: That's very weird.
Speaker G: Very weird.
Speaker D: And then they chose that for the movie. Was that the reason why they filmed it there?
Speaker E: They must m well, actually, I don't want to get off this topic, but they actually didn't even film it in Finland. They filmed it in Norway.
Speaker G: The Finnish movie made I actually default. I always thought it was Norwegian. And then you mentioned Finland. I was like, oh, yeah, I guess it is Finland.
Speaker B: Yeah, but they did they're all Finnish.
Speaker E: But they filmed it in Norway. So the actual place is in Finland, but they didn't film it there.
Speaker B: Yeah, in, like, northern Norway.
Speaker G: I mean, not to be trusted right off of you.
Speaker D: So they call it the place that's in Finland. But really it's in Norway.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: Katie there's this thing called movie magic.
Speaker D: But what is the location?
Speaker E: What's your question?
Speaker D: I need to know what the actual hill looks like versus you can Google it.
Speaker E: It's a hill.
Speaker B: And it's a hill.
Speaker G: It's a hill.
Speaker E: It's a big hill.
Speaker D: It's not a mountain like the one.
Speaker G: That Hugh Grant movie.
Speaker F: Do you think that the locals could.
Speaker G: Turn it into a mountain? What are these Finnards doing?
Speaker B: If the hill is in Scotland, is it still a hill or is it a Monroe?
Speaker E: Excellent question.
Speaker A: Um, well, why would you put me on the spot for that as well? Because it didn't look go up a.
Speaker B: Monroe and come down a mountain.
Speaker A: The hill in I'm calling it a hill. The hill in rare exports doesn't seem any taller than Arthur's Seat would.
Speaker A: M and we were talking about reviews and stuff for those locations and things. I remember seeing a one star review for Arthur Seat, which was, uh, like, oh, I can't believe I had to climb the idiots do travel abroad, obviously. Um, yeah, no, I mean but again, uh, it's a stone throw away from, uh, Finland to Norway. Um, yeah. I don't want to say they all look the same. They've all got their own cultural identity. But at the same time, they do look very similar because they're all in the Northern Hemisphere. Everything's covered in snow.
Speaker B: All right, you're going to make I.
Speaker E: Don'T know how many listeners within the Arctic Circle you guys have, but they're.
Speaker G: About to be pissed.
Speaker B: I regularly look and none so you can say whatever you want.
Speaker A: Fuck them now.
Speaker B: Hi. I'm just kidding.
Speaker A: Yeah, I'm here for just now.
Speaker B: You're okay?
Speaker A: Yeah, I think you're okay.
Speaker G: I don't have to make yourself anchor, baby.
Speaker A: Real quick, yeah.
Speaker D: Um, that's what racists call it.
Speaker F: Yeah. Oh my god.
Speaker G: It's awful.
Speaker D: That's why Josh is throwing it out.
Speaker A: There and talking about things that are awful.
Speaker D: It's usually associated with Latin American countries.
Speaker A: Talking about things that didn't know this. Laura, did you know about this? No, I've never heard this.
Speaker F: Really? Wow.
Speaker C: It was popular, I don't know, four years ago. We're saying it a lot.
Speaker G: Four to six years.
Speaker E: What was happening?
Speaker G: I heard my grandfather say in the 90s.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker D: Uh, when I was dating a guy whose father was from Mexico and his mother was from Detroit, uh, I definitely had some really shitty family members be.
Speaker B: Like, oh, is he anchor baby?
Speaker G: Awesome.
Speaker B: And I was like, I've never heard this term.
Speaker D: That's really offensive.
Speaker E: I mean, I immediately get it.
Speaker G: It's evocative it's great. It's really a perfect slur. Because you know what it is right away.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: Uh, it's effective, I'll give it that. But woof.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: I mean, I'd rather be deported than have a child.
Speaker E: Thank you, everybody that's going to wrestle the podcast.
Speaker B: Yes. The dog we have is difficult enough.
Speaker A: No. And also, he's not an actual baby.
Speaker B: They put those kids in those bags, open ovens potatoes next to open ovens.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: And they're warming up. That Santa before they put the children in the bags.
Speaker C: Do you guys remember when he poured.
Speaker B: The stuff on the desk and be like, look at this.
Speaker C: What did you guys think? That was the first time you saw it? Do you sawdust it?
Speaker F: Huh?
Speaker C: Looks like the flakes that come off people's feet.
Speaker G: No.
Speaker B: Calluses.
Speaker C: I was like, what is that?
Speaker E: Is that foot shavings?
Speaker F: Dead skin?
Speaker A: No.
Speaker G: Where it comes off like velveeta cheese.
Speaker F: Oh, Jesus.
Speaker C: I guess I go get pedicures a lot. And I look around.
Speaker E: There's a bag of corn bunion country.
Speaker B: Someone's just gathering up all those shavings.
Speaker G: Making a ball skin ball.
Speaker E: Imagine that hitting you in the face unexpectedly, just bursting.
Speaker A: I remember seeing a video online about someone who got a corn about as big as a golf ball taken out the ball of their foot.
Speaker G: Don't like that.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker D: I am not a fan of this.
Speaker B: No, I'm okay.
Speaker F: Get us out of here.
Speaker B: Back to anchor babies. Um, yeah, there was there was a long time in this when I first saw this film, and it took me a long time to watch it, surprisingly, because, um, this is a tradition at, uh, our local movie theater at the NCN in Maitland. So they do it every year. And it's like their tradition to play rare exports. And I remember seeing it every year, and I never watched it until last year, which is very strange because this is something I would want to watch. Uh, but it's nice. It's nice when you see things that you I don't know, something that can surprise you after after all the years of movie watching. So this one was a big surprise to me, especially since no one told me there was a penis in this movie. Uh, and not just one. There's so several.
Speaker A: There's an army.
Speaker B: Maybe they expected that I'd seen it because that's something that I would how.
Speaker G: Did you not see the Cock Army movie?
Speaker D: Yeah, I mean, I mentioned it recently.
Speaker B: Yeah, but I'd already seen it by that point. But I still love getting texts from people. You guys text me like, oh, there's a penis in this. I'm like, thank you very much. Most of them I've already seen. But I love getting those texts anyway. But no one ever mentioned this one to me. So I remember screaming, well, that's why we watched it last year. I'm like, oh, god. And then it's just the whole end of the film. Penises. Yeah. Dicks out.
Speaker D: Dicks out for Christ. No, Jesus is not present.
Speaker C: I love this movie. I've seen it multiple times. And I go, there's a penis in that. I guess I just don't see penises like you do.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker C: I was like, oh, uh, there's an old penis.
Speaker G: I'd like to forget that I've seen the movie every year since it came out because I was working for theater proper when it was originally released. And then I was in those meetings where the programming director, who is a very angry, non practicing Jewish man, just doesn't really like anyone. It's just levels of tolerance.
Speaker B: Um, where he just like, I think he likes me.
Speaker G: I think he does. He's softened in his older age, too. Uh, but in this Admin meeting, he's like, I don't ask for shit. We are showing this. This is going to be an Enzian tradition from now on. And nobody could really say anything because he really doesn't put his foot down very often.
Speaker F: Wow.
Speaker G: Uh, and that was where he planted his flag, was fucking rare exports. So what I was getting to with that is that I've seen it every year. Theatrically. Last year, I missed it in theaters. And I watched it with my father at home, like at his house. And I realized that the penises aren't as noticeable on the small screen as they are the big. Like, it kind of all blends together. And it could easily seem like it was blurred out a little bit. Maybe some of the shots. It's not I rewound it, but, um, you zoomed in.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: Frame by frame.
Speaker C: There's a lot of interesting skin to look at. To be fair. You're not going to just focus on that because they're interesting bodies.
Speaker G: I find it disconcerting that they're all so old and hairy men, but they seem to not have a whole lot of pubic hair. Some of them are downright shaven.
Speaker B: I do think that that happens when you get older.
Speaker G: Oh, it falls out.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: You don't grow as much hair when you get older. And that's like, all over your body.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker C: Uh, people can't wait in. Nursing say you can guess a person's, um, age by looking at their pubic area.
Speaker E: Wow.
Speaker C: I've heard that.
Speaker A: Rings of the tree.
Speaker G: You really do learn something every day.
Speaker F: Yeah. Wow. Cool.
Speaker B: So the actual men that well, should I wait? Maybe we can get into the scene a bit. Why not? Do you want to get into, like, the end of the film? Does anyone want to say anything about the film before we talk about the barrage of penises?
Speaker D: Um, I have a question.
Speaker B: Absolutely.
Speaker D: Uh, did you do research into the lore surrounding because he was looking at a bunch of books and he was, like, looking into the origin of Santa Claus and how it used to not be great. And I was curious if anyone else had looked into it.
Speaker B: Both Ryan and I, we did some research today.
Speaker A: Yeah, I guess mine is really fucked up. But I mean, I don't know. Did we come to any sort of decision on because I think a lot of it is seeded in elements of Scandinavian folklore. And I went further into looking at Bavarian and shaman folklore as well, because there's a lot of that stuff. It's kind of integral to the Santa Claus story, at least the olden agen, uh, Santa Claus story, or as I've referred to here, as centered class.
Speaker B: Mine's a little bit. I only wrote maybe three sentences. And it's basically on the Finnish Santa Claus.
Speaker A: Yeah. So you've got your Chris Kringles, your old kind of your Coca Cola Santa's, which is definitely not what this.
Speaker F: Uh.
Speaker A: Uh, well, the thing is, I don't know. There's a fantastic image in the beginning of the movie of the Santa Claus visage sitting upon a throne of skulls, which I think is fucking awesome.
Speaker F: Yes.
Speaker A: But you could mistake this Santa Claus for what would be formerly known as Krampus, which is more the German Austrian tradition.
Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, when I first saw it, I thought this was just a Krampus movie.
Speaker A: I thought it was Krampus as well, but obviously it is not. So it's kind of like a hybridization of several different things. I mean, I don't know if you have any more to add.
Speaker A: I do have this horrible, fucked up thing that I was going to talk about and I wanted to see if anybody else knew about it.
Speaker B: So I have the Santa in this movie, from what I researched, is a mix of two things. You have the Julapuki, who is like the Finnish Santa Claus, who's like a goat man, and he comes around on Christmas Eve and he has these evil spirits called a new Tipuki who would go door to door demanding gifts and leftovers from the Yule feast. So from what I can understand, that this Santa is a mix of these kind of two. He the Santa that they are talking about, doesn't give gifts.
Speaker A: He takes right. He takes gifts, which seems to be the tradition going around Bavaria, Austria, Germany, and also Holland, where obviously Krampus originates. But also this other character who is affectionately known as Black Pete. Does anyone know who Black Pete is?
Speaker E: I do.
Speaker A: Anyone ever heard of Black Pete?
Speaker B: I do too.
Speaker A: Yeah, so we did a little bit of reading. Um, so effectively, yeah, this is still ongoing, and I think maybe within the last kind of year or so with obvious developments in, uh, morality and decency. Um, there's less people wandering around with blackface on, but basically, Black Pete is referred to as Zwarta Piet. Um, and this kind of ties in really close to your descriptions of the Finnish folklore where they have little helpers. Black Pete is one of those little helpers. And I guess it's really fucked up to look at really old pictures of where you see a Santa Claus figure and he's got like, a black servant, like, handing him food. Um, which is also very is this originates more in Holland. You've got the center, Klaus. And basically, Black Pea is part of, uh, a group, um, of mythical creatures of the underworld who listen to the good and the bad that comes out of, uh, the chimneys of homes to figure out who's good or bad and who will be receiving and who will be stolen away in the night. Um, and this is obviously kind of where Krampus and stuff also originates from as well. But I don't know, I just thought I'd put this one in here. Um, it's kind of based on shaman traditions, and obviously the Moors, as they were let's, uh, say they were know certain parts of Europe at the time. This is effectively where the visage of black peat originates from. But it's not uncalled for during the celebrations that people cover their faces in blackface and parade around to celebrate Black Pete.
Speaker B: And this is like, to this day.
Speaker A: This is to this day. And it's something that they are fervently fighting, as far as I'm aware. Uh, it is an abolition of tradition, um, not hate.
Speaker D: Yes, I did want to comment on the Black Pete stuff. Did any of you watch, um, that Dutch horror? Well, it's kind of like a horror movie. I guess it was sort of more wish fulfillment. Uh, the columnist. No, it's on shutter. We received it for the film festival, like, a few years back. And it's about, um, this woman who's a feminist columnist in Holland. I believe it's Holland. This movie called The Columnist. This woman is writing, and I think she wrote something about how Black Pete was offensive and people would just terrorize her online. And so in this sort of wish fulfillment movie, she ends up going to these people's houses and murdering them.
Speaker B: Oh, wow.
Speaker D: And, uh, it gets pretty dark. And then it's all like, morally ambiguous because you're just like, all these people are garbage, but should they be murdered?
Speaker B: So she's going after the people who were giving her shit on the Internet.
Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, I did kind of write this stuff down because it does circle back into Nordic traditions, where it's kind of linked to the wild hunt of Odin. I just wanted to talk about all this stuff because it's cool, but, uh, the wild hunt of Odin, who rode a white horse called Slipnir, and he would use his helpers, as in quotation mark's helpers, obviously, listen to the chimneys and, uh, listen for the good and the bad behavior of the mortals. So, effectively, Black Pete is a demon who goes around yeah, I mean, obviously, the lore couldn't get, uh, any more kind of disparaging and offensive, but, uh, there you go.
Speaker B: They've kind of taken that away from our I don't know, like our, um, american Santa Claus.
Speaker E: Coca Cola.
Speaker B: Yeah, well, they talk about that, and I know I have it written down where they say that the American Santa Claus evolved from I think you were saying Ryan the center Klaus, who was brought to New York by Dutch settlers in the 17th century, and then it's kind of evolved from there. So from being this kind of skinny, kind, uh, of otherworldly being to being this fat, jelly dude who just gives us presents, but we don't have demons.
Speaker A: Like a ball full of spirits. Yes. Effectively, that's kind of threatened from do.
Speaker B: You know what you know what the equivalent of those evil spirits are now in America? Is Elf on a shelf?
Speaker E: Mhm watching always jelly.
Speaker G: I just learned it's a relatively new tradition. I thought that that like Elf on a Shelf. Yeah, I had no idea. We didn't have that when I was a child, but we didn't have a lot of things because we know we.
Speaker B: Didn'T have that either.
Speaker G: A friend of mine said that was invented in just, like, 2005.
Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, Santa Claus effectively was there. He knows when you're sleeping awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. He's still a threat. He's watching you.
Speaker F: He's listening.
Speaker B: He knows if you're being a son of a bitch. But the Elf on a Shelf, like, I've seen some horrible things on the Internet of parents doing fucked up things to their kids and then blaming it on Elf on the Shelf. I think it's just a way for parents to retaliate because they're horrible children.
Speaker C: Elf on the Shelf now has also multiple pets you can purchase that will also watch you. And there's Santa Cams.
Speaker B: Well, you have more friends with children, so you have the insiders.
Speaker C: Santa has many ways to watch you, and those are some of them.
Speaker D: Oh, my God.
Speaker B: I want to know more.
Speaker D: I have, like, six. I call them nibblings, nieces and nephews.
Speaker B: Okay. They sounded like a little snack scrub.
Speaker E: Uh, me from this episode.
Speaker D: That's what the gender neutral term for nieces and nephews is.
Speaker E: Say it again.
Speaker B: Too late.
Speaker A: No, nibblings.
Speaker B: I don't like that.
Speaker A: Yeah, I don't like it either.
Speaker D: They also could be called niblets.
Speaker G: I hate that more. I hate it more. The first one could be racist or sexual. That's just racist.
Speaker B: I'm just getting hungry.
Speaker E: Racist snack.
Speaker D: Uh, I have two nieces and four nephews, and none of them have Elf on the shelf. That was all I was going to say. But thanks for making me feel weird about the gender neutral.
Speaker A: Isn't the fun of having children no. Terrorizing them? At least for their formative years as children?
Speaker G: My father sure thought so.
Speaker A: Used to do that to my brother all the time. He was terrified of, uh, clowns. So my uncle used to dress up as a clown and hide in the cupboard, and then he would jump out.
Speaker B: So I would do the same thing if I had kids, but I'm not interested.
Speaker A: Thing is, terrorizing kids for, like, a decade for maybe 510 minutes a day, does not help to alleviate the burden of having them for the rest of your natural fucking life.
Speaker B: Well, that's why I'm still scared of Et. Because my parents had an Et.
Speaker A: You're worried you have a child?
Speaker B: And it looks like my closet. And they would leave the closet open just so we peeking out. No kid wants their closet open at all.
Speaker E: Nope.
Speaker B: Ever. I don't want the closet open now. The closet behind you was open a little bit, and I'm not happy about it.
Speaker A: My closet is closed.
Speaker F: What do you mean?
Speaker A: What's open? The one behind us?
Speaker B: Yes.
Speaker E: Not anymore. Thanks, Josh.
Speaker B: It's open over there, too.
Speaker A: Well, this one doesn't.
Speaker B: I don't care. I'm an adult.
Speaker A: It doesn't close all the way.
Speaker B: I'm an adult and I'm still a little bit freaked out by the closet. Probably because grow up, Laura.
Speaker A: Come, uh on. My parents put me none of this.
Speaker B: Shit'S real with that Et in the closet. And then I'd hear them down the hall laughing at me.
Speaker C: By the way, I have a question about rare exports. Um, so is the one with the horn the daddy Santa?
Speaker B: And that is the children. That is Santa.
Speaker F: Okay.
Speaker C: Daddy Santa.
Speaker G: There it is.
Speaker B: Now that's the movie that talking about.
Speaker A: Because Renee just saying that. I already have that in my notes. I called it. Santa, daddy.
Speaker B: Santa, daddy. You're the one.
Speaker A: Santa, daddy.
Speaker B: Yeah, that's a Santa daddy in the ice that they're heating up with the ovens open.
Speaker C: One hairdryer and one hairdryer and all the radiators.
Speaker D: Right?
Speaker B: Because all the radiators were stolen.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: Isn't that a really anticlimactic conclusion, though? They kind of just blow it up with dynamite and then that's it.
Speaker B: Well, I know the director was talking about, uh, wanting to eventually, after he does other projects, to make a sequel where you actually see what happens after, um, like a little Shop of Horrors type of situation, where you have all the bad Santas go and then Daddy, Santa, you actually get to see Daddy Santa.
Speaker A: Okay.
Speaker B: But I don't know when that's going to happen. It's been twelve years.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker B: I want to see Daddy Santa. He looks terrifying.
Speaker A: Santa. Daddy.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: It's not Daddy.
Speaker F: Santa.
Speaker A: Santa. Daddy.
Speaker D: Because Daddy Santa is David Harbor in violent night.
Speaker B: Yeah. You're obsessed with you know, it goes without saying.
Speaker A: Okay.
Speaker D: It looks like a certainly it's got those huge yeah.
Speaker B: So and also what I was reading about the drawings in the beginning of the film, those were actually made recently. Those aren't old photos or old drawings of what Finnish people thought Santa Claus were.
Speaker A: They made for the movie, though.
Speaker B: I believe they were. They were either made for the movie or they were made uh uh, because of the film.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: I was going to say that title sequence is one of my favorite things in the movie. That shot that, uh, drawing of Santa's, like dipping a kid into the cauldron is so good.
Speaker F: It's great.
Speaker B: I want all of that.
Speaker C: I want to buy that book, the Truth About Santa for all the children I know, and make their parents very upset.
Speaker B: Yeah, I like that very much. But I think it's interesting because I think those pictures were going around and people were thinking that they were old pictures and old drawings of Santa Claus from back when.
Speaker A: But they're mean even if they're not real, then just make up something else. So you have a control device for.
Speaker G: Your so that's the elf on the shelf.
Speaker D: You could just get one of those collars that vibrates.
Speaker E: They try to leave the yard.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: Like for dogs.
Speaker E: All right, let's talk about some dicks.
Speaker B: This movie is so weird. So we have this family who ends up capturing a Santa, right?
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: A suspected Santa.
Speaker B: A suspected Santa. I think they believe he's dead.
Speaker D: And there's no women anywhere.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: I didn't realize there's not a single woman in this film.
Speaker E: That's what we were talking earlier.
Speaker B: Or girls.
Speaker E: There's no, it's all men.
Speaker D: It's all men and boys in this entire movie.
Speaker C: Even that list of children he calls.
Speaker E: And the guy references his wife to like the hairdryer thing, but like no, you never see there's nothing.
Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
Speaker D: That's the only woman, um, reference.
Speaker E: You never see her, though.
Speaker F: Yeah. All male.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker G: Well, I found a way.
Speaker B: Uh, so these these Santas, they can smell children, right?
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: They can sniff them out.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: Because kids are smelly.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: That's not a fucking stink.
Speaker A: They can't wipe their own off.
Speaker G: You ever smell the child?
Speaker F: Yes.
Speaker G: Everyone here. Fucking gross.
Speaker A: Just pick them up by their hair.
Speaker B: Give them m I don't go around sniffing children.
Speaker D: No, they're probably like they don't smell as bad because it's like cold outside, so they're not sweating as much. Sweaty children are really disgusting smelling.
Speaker A: Yeah. They don't wash.
Speaker C: They might be like me, though. When it's cold outside, you don't want to clean yourself and you just get stinkier and stinkier under all those winter clothes.
Speaker B: That's true, because I do sweat under those clothes.
Speaker G: Their long johns smell terrible.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker D: Been wearing them for five days straight.
Speaker B: All this football gear he was wearing.
Speaker C: So why couldn't they smell him? And why didn't they get him?
Speaker B: They could smell him. I don't know.
Speaker C: I think he was just that night they all went missing. He was still there.
Speaker D: He had, uh, an alarm system set up.
Speaker B: He got the jump on those Santas. He was trying to spook them with.
Speaker E: The, uh well, the Santa that got caught in the trap. It got caught in the pig trap.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: So one did come to his house.
Speaker C: But it got okay, okay. Gotcha.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: That's how he got caught.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker B: I kind of feel bad for that Santa because those guys are beating him up and stuff, and they're trying to speak to him in English, and they're like, he has his own language. They just keep poking him and slapping him with a broom. That was pretty lame.
Speaker C: I love everything that one man says in English, though. It's very fun. I can't remember any of it.
Speaker B: Something about like, oh, how do you like the Northern Lights up here? But yeah, that's the first dick scene at, uh, about 50 minutes and 33 seconds.
Speaker G: Roughly.
Speaker B: The whole roughly. Specifically. Exactly.
Speaker A: Yeah. I think what we need to kind of point out is that all of these Santa helpers that we end up being presented with are all completely in the nutty for the most part, 100% at the time. They're all 100% naked. So for us to be specific, it'd be like, well, this scene does include a naked man who's a naked Santa, and there's everything else to show.
Speaker E: Not to jump ahead, but there's those big shots at the helicopter at the end, and there's a bunch of Santas following the sack of children, but those are some CG dicks, because those are CG santas down there. So there's some CG wieners in this movie, too.
Speaker B: On top of the real wieners.
Speaker E: Yeah, on top of real ones. I just realized.
Speaker G: Any other times that I've seen CG penises, except for Irreversible, everything else has been some sort of prosthetic, but it's still physical.
Speaker A: Yeah, true.
Speaker G: I mean, I know that there have to be others, but I'm not sure. Those are the only two examples I can think of.
Speaker B: Uh, men. The movie men.
Speaker G: That's right.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: He was wearing, like, ah, undies, like fleshy undies.
Speaker B: And then they just popped a dick on there in post M. That's a shame.
Speaker G: That's one they should have fixed in pre.
Speaker B: Rory would have done it, too, if they would have given him the choice. Show us the dick. Rory's done worse in film. What's his last name? Is it kinnear?
Speaker A: McElroy?
Speaker G: Sure.
Speaker B: He was in, uh he Fucked the Pig.
Speaker A: Charlie Brooker. Modern day marvel.
Speaker B: Wow. So he has him in this I don't know. They're trying to figure out what this Santa is all about until the little boy comes in and the Santa perks up because he smells this filthy child, right. And he's ready to get him because that's his mission. That's his only mission. He's got to get that boy. He's the only Santa that's failed in.
Speaker D: His mission so far.
Speaker B: And he's naked. We've already said it. He's naked. But that's like the first scene where you see this guy and you see.
Speaker A: Kind of like, well, they're speaking to him in English. They're poking him with a broom. Next thing we know, the Santa's bitten the broom in half. Psycho. And he's just kind of standing there.
Speaker B: He also bit the guy's ear.
Speaker A: Um, these these Santa helpers are not particularly nice.
Speaker C: I love how tough that one guy is. He just gets his ear bitten off and he's just I'm just pissed. I'll put a rag on that.
Speaker B: He's just, like, really pissed. And then he just slams that napkin on the ground.
Speaker A: Yeah, they're definitely built differently in Scandinavia.
Speaker E: Hardy Men.
Speaker A: What was that movie we saw recently where, uh, those people allow their child to be stolen and, uh, they just sit there naked in the cold while rocks are being thrown at them? What's that movie? Oh, that might actually make my change my decision.
Speaker G: No Evil.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: That was on shutter. I believe so. That movie's great.
Speaker G: I liked it.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker D: I haven't watched it yet, but I will because Ryan's the only one that seems unimpressed.
Speaker A: I just didn't understand the whole sitting there, lying there. Just allow yourself to be pummeled with rock.
Speaker B: We'll talk about that on an episode because there's a wiener in that movie.
Speaker A: There is. That'll be a good one, too.
Speaker G: It's a nice slump shot.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: Man scared.
Speaker B: It's all about being polite.
Speaker D: Does he have a fear boner?
Speaker G: No, he does not. No, it's not that good.
Speaker B: There's penises throughout the whole end of this film, basically from 50 minutes until the end. And this movie, as we love in a film, is very respectful of your time. I think it's like 83 minutes.
Speaker G: Yeah, it's brisk. It's great.
Speaker B: It's wonderful.
Speaker A: Yeah. For a very respectful of your time.
Speaker B: 1190 minutes movie. And if you can cut it down a bit.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: Perfection.
Speaker G: Because there was probably a good four or five minutes of that was credits, too, so man, like 76 minutes is perfect.
Speaker B: That's great.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: More people need to take a hint.
Speaker E: This podcast brought you brought to you by theatrical distribution from 19, 85, 90 minutes or less.
Speaker B: And we don't even adhere to that. We are not respectful of anyone's.
Speaker E: I am very curious, and I don't know if anyone found this in their.
Speaker A: Research, but, uh, no, we are.
Speaker E: Where did all of these naked old men come from? I'm very curious how they came from.
Speaker B: I have this I was waiting until we kind of got to the really scene before I started talking about it. So as we were talking about before, it was filmed in northern Norway, and there was an old man choir that were super interested in making this film, or they're interested in the so. And, uh, the director had no idea why they were so interested. But it took zero convincing whatsoever.
Speaker F: Oh, my gosh.
Speaker B: So because they were outside in northern Norway, they had 40 seconds to shoot these scenes. So they shot for 40 seconds, and then they had to spend 20 minutes inside a room. They called it the elf box. And it was just this really hot room where they all sat and played cards totally naked and drank coffee together.
Speaker G: Lovely.
Speaker C: I would like to see that footage, please.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: Uh, and then they would just go back to set.
Speaker G: This goes back to something that I've said about plenty of other movies. Fuck directors commentaries. I want a PA commentary. I want to know who was the second 2nd Ad who had to wrangle these fuckers. What is their story?
Speaker B: Because you know that making their coffee. Uh, who went out and bought all the playing cards?
Speaker A: Yeah. Who's listening to the disgruntled old man who's just maybe had a little bit too much.
Speaker B: I think they were having a great time. I don't think it was even if.
Speaker E: They were that into it and took little convincing, probably.
Speaker B: Yeah, they're just having a great time. They're hanging out with their friends.
Speaker G: They would have been doing it otherwise. They were making a day rate out of it.
Speaker B: Yeah. We forgot to say it was a naked old man's choir.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: Imagine just having to walk in that tim, be like, all right, boys, let's go to work.
Speaker G: Can I?
Speaker D: I mean, at least they're comfortable with each other, too. So, uh, they're just like hanging out. They just happen to not have clothes on. That's kind of cool.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: I think they originally thought it was going to be hard to find so many old men.
Speaker G: This behind the scenes is the Doris Wishman movie that never got made.
Speaker B: It really is.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: This keeps happening, uh, with the naked Santa elves, but it escalates almost every single time we see them naked. So the next time we see them naked is about ten minutes later, around about the hour mark. And they're all kind of coming out of the woods, and they're all creeping in and then just trying to I don't know, thwart this situation. They're trying to protect big Santa daddy.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: So the radio has gone off, and they end up communicating with the guy who we met at the very beginning of the movie, who basically is ramping everybody up to be like, we're going to dig this hill. The american and the American The American with these very American accents. Um, yeah. No, he meets up with them, and they're going to ransom off who they presume is the Santa Claus. They've, uh, put him in a cage.
Speaker B: Oh, right.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: Because they don't know that there is the actual, actual big Santa daddy that's frozen in there.
Speaker A: Yes. And then all the other naked, uh, helper elves start appearing in the woods with axes and pickaxes and spades.
Speaker F: Ready.
Speaker E: To commit the helicopter pilot.
Speaker B: It's pretty.
Speaker A: Yes. Yes.
Speaker D: So gosh.
Speaker B: I feel like you have a lot more written down than I do, Ryan.
Speaker A: Uh, most of it's, um, cannot. If you want to see some really fucked up stuff that you find really hard to comprehend, just look for it up on Google and you will see parties where people are celebrating, uh, a man in blackface.
Speaker D: Yeah, that's what I was going to bring up.
Speaker A: I find up horrible from the episode. Horrible, fucked up things. I bring it to the podcast.
Speaker G: Keno released it. And they'd had a sale once. And I bought three movies from them. Birth of a Nation, Cabin Boy, and Lost Highway. It was $7. It, uh, feels like something that I don't know, I also have intolerance. So it all levels out, right?
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker D: I was planning on I was going to borrow Birth of a Nation from Josh because I've never watched it. And I feel like it's something that I should just watch for knowledge of academic purposes.
Speaker B: Film history.
Speaker A: Exactly.
Speaker B: That's exactly what I was doing of.
Speaker D: The clan because it caused a resurgence in the, um but like, Josh was like, well, I'm going to keep it until New Year's because I want to.
Speaker B: Watch it before the end of sitting.
Speaker G: On my shelf for like two years. And I haven't watched it. I've seen it before years and years ago. And she was going to borrow I was like, well, how long you can keep it for? She's like, I don't know, more than a month? She's like, yeah, probably like three or four.
Speaker G: We'll figure this out later.
Speaker E: It's hot in the queue.
Speaker B: I don't know. I was looking at your letterbox and how many films you've watched this year, Josh, and you are determined to get to 1500.
Speaker G: I have 79 more to watch before the end of the year.
Speaker B: I calculated how many movies you watched last night because, um, I'm weird like that. I'm like, how many movies does Josh have to watch every single day?
Speaker G: 3.21.
Speaker F: Yes.
Speaker B: It was about three and a half when I looked the other day. And I go, you know what? He watches between three to six on a daily basis.
Speaker F: Wow.
Speaker B: So you'll get there pretty easily.
Speaker G: I submitted to the Guinness Book of World Records this year, actually, and they rejected my application.
Speaker B: You are joking.
Speaker G: I'm not.
Speaker B: How many films would you have to watch?
Speaker G: Just over 1200. It's a woman who works for, uh, Hollywood Foreign Press. She lives in Puerto Rico. Uh, she beat this record in 2012. And they told me that they no longer accept, uh, that record. I think that they have a really difficult time of, um, authenticating yeah. Who they'd have to. Which I don't think is fair because I have a handwritten notebook that, uh, clearly is. Each entry is in real time and on Letterboxd, which I'm sure if I were to call them to say, hey, I'm applying for this, they would pull timestamps for me.
Speaker E: Sure.
Speaker G: I would think those guys in New Zealand.
Speaker A: Or they just send you a man from Guinness and he hangs out with you for a year.
Speaker G: That would be and he just lives.
Speaker A: There, that sees you and the screen.
Speaker G: Do it for a year. It took eight weeks to get a response from them. And it was really disappointing that they said that.
Speaker B: It was, um it is disappointing because you actually beat you.
Speaker G: You're very happy you smoked her. Yeah. I'm going to do 1500 this year and I'm never doing it again.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: It's a public document of how fucking sad my life is.
Speaker B: Renee has 130 hot on your tail. You're going to I don't really have a way to transition out of, uh, talking about how many movies we watched and logged on Letterbox. But there is a part of this movie where there are dozens of naked old men running, uh, into a gigantic reindeer pen.
Speaker A: Yes, there has been.
Speaker F: Yes.
Speaker A: So this is where I come in, then.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: I wanted you to tell me about it.
Speaker A: Holy shit. Um, okay, so catching us up with the story because we've kind of just been jumping around it, obviously. Um, they have found the Santa daddy in the hut, surrounded by radiators with children in sacks that were taken from the other warehouse, which were just full of potatoes. And it's basically a warehouse full of sacks of operating radiators melting a giant ice block with a Krampus like Santa giant Santa figure in it, melting it, surrounded by screaming, crying children who are in sacks. And then they make up this plan, or at least the child does. This is when the boy becomes a man, right? He shoots a gun. That's how you become a man, obviously. And then they decide they're going to helicopter all of the children still in sacks as they're surrounded by all of the Elven Santa horde that's surrounding the shack, let's say. And they helicopter all of the children to the reindeer pen because all the reindeers are dead as well.
Speaker B: Like bait.
Speaker A: As bait. They're going to bait the Santa horde the Santa Helper horde towards this reindeer pen. Sacks of kids with these sacks of.
Speaker C: Children have to be, uh, suffocating by now.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: I love that.
Speaker E: When they discover the children who have been kidnapped and put in sacks, they don't free them immediately. Like, hold on, wait. What if we swing them around below a helicopter?
Speaker G: They put the one kid yes. They unwrap one kid and put him back.
Speaker E: They're like, let's swing them. Around below. Helicopter in the fridge of north, as.
Speaker A: We figured out, though, is that they only have so many cast members, so they can't now start showing off other children. They have to show off the children we've already met. So obviously the other person's son, and then they just put him back in a sack anyway. Or if you wanted to save a little bit of money trying to get some of your production crew's children in there and don't tell them what's going to happen.
Speaker E: They don't have to be children. You guys are in Zach. They can just be shorter women. They don't even have is that where.
Speaker A: All the women went?
Speaker C: They might have some dogs and other animals in there.
Speaker B: I don't know.
Speaker G: Don't put a dog all about come on, Renee.
Speaker A: That's above the pale. Don't do that.
Speaker B: I mean, it was a pretty small budget. I mean, you didn't want to it was like less than 2 million euro.
Speaker G: Well, you can collect dogs then from the store. I've seen white God. I know how that shit works.
Speaker E: They're out there.
Speaker G: They're free.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: So the sack the potato sacks were full of dogs. Is that what you're saying?
Speaker G: In my movie, if I were making it, that's how I would get around.
Speaker B: Child labor law.
Speaker E: It's also like PCA dogs.
Speaker A: Well, uh, it's like Schrodinger's cat, though, isn't it?
Speaker G: Not dissimilar.
Speaker A: It's like say it's very similar to that.
Speaker E: We glossed over the kid firing off the gun. He's given that gun like 2030. Oh, he's given that gun. It was like 30 minutes into the movie very quickly. It's like, here's a firearm, carrying it around for the whole day.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: I mean, I thought kids had guns out there.
Speaker D: It's like a safety blanket.
Speaker F: That would.
Speaker G: Be equivalent to, like, rural Michigan.
Speaker E: Yeah, exactly. Uh, fair .8 year olds.
Speaker B: I just think it's cute he's got, like, toys that he carries around because he's a kid.
Speaker A: You got to fend off those attackers.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: I did like the stuffy on the.
Speaker A: Um also, I think they have polar bears up there, do they not?
Speaker B: They have wolves.
Speaker F: They definitely have wolves.
Speaker B: True.
Speaker A: I mean, they do have dangerous creatures that are in either way. The fucking ten year old has a fucking double barrel shotgun.
Speaker E: I will say I do love that. A lot of 80s horror movies and things. It's in some ways the kid's fault that this happens. You know what I mean? I do enjoy that. It's very like the kids being mischievous and going on about it and then lying about it.
Speaker B: Okay, hold on.
Speaker E: Speaking of speaking of putting down a.
Speaker F: Dog.
Speaker E: Like, I put that motherfucker in a sack and swimming around.
Speaker F: I love that.
Speaker A: This is a Christmas party. Things get wild.
Speaker B: Yeah. The dog's invited to the Christmas party.
Speaker D: Now after he was in jail.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: And now he's causing all sorts of noise.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: Don't like me anymore. No.
Speaker F: Bruce.
Speaker B: Merry m Christmas, Bruce.
Speaker G: I'm the only one that doesn't want you on me. Literally everyone else likes you. I like you, but I don't want to touch you.
Speaker D: Yeah, I was going to say, how do you not like the star?
Speaker G: Fine.
Speaker A: Um, where were we?
Speaker B: You were talking about how there was like the kids are responsible.
Speaker E: Oh, yeah.
Speaker B: Okay.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: No, I mean sorry. Yes.
Speaker A: They sneak in.
Speaker E: They see what's going on. Well, they think they are, uh, because they made the hole in the fence. So when the elves get out, that's part of how they get out. And they slaughter the reindeer.
Speaker G: It's basically the gate of Finland.
Speaker E: Basically. Yes, exactly.
Speaker B: They couldn't have gotten out any other way.
Speaker E: Yeah, but yeah, the elves or Santas, whatever, and call them, slaughter the entire reindeer herd. That was like the year's worth of money and effort. They were going to put in 85,000 each. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker G: I've had reindeer. Not worth it.
Speaker B: What?
Speaker F: Wait.
Speaker D: You've eaten a reindeer?
Speaker G: Why not an entire one? That'd be weird.
Speaker B: Oh, I thought you owned one.
Speaker A: No, I ate one.
Speaker D: Um, ate some of part of a reindeer.
Speaker G: The jerky is better than it was kind of gamey. True.
Speaker A: I had a reindeer burger once.
Speaker B: Really?
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: It's not that different than bison.
Speaker A: Really?
Speaker E: You want to eat some alligator?
Speaker F: Yeah, I do.
Speaker E: We can be at an alligator place in 30 minutes.
Speaker B: I have had alligator.
Speaker E: Yeah, it's chicken.
Speaker G: You want to have an alligator eating contest?
Speaker B: Oh, God, no.
Speaker F: Nice.
Speaker E: Well, while it's alive, that is a contest.
Speaker B: I hope it is. You starting at the front.
Speaker A: That would be something we need to get on video.
Speaker E: I will say I was on, um, an airboat tour. And this is in the winter, I guess. And it's up on, like was it Lake Jessup or whatever. Anyway, the dude takes us and he pushes through the reeds real slowly. And he's like, well, maybe we'll catch him because this is mating season. And we push through the reeds. It was like a scene out of fucking Caligula. It was a fucking orgy. In the eyes view. There were dozens and dozens. I asked Mike how many he's like, there's maybe 8100 out there just going at it, just rolling and just in the fucking cattails and reeds, just going at it. Just making little gator big like a Russell movie.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker D: Uh, when gators, um yeah, they just have an intercourse do they just kind of like flail around?
Speaker E: That's what it looked like from a distance.
Speaker B: It was just a lot of they're just wrestling snakes.
Speaker F: Same thing. Yeah.
Speaker D: I have never seen any snakes fucking but I did.
Speaker B: Play I did play.
Speaker D: A lot of Sims as a kid. And it always blurred it out. But it's just like if you put in a cheat code, you could take away the blurring and it just looked like tangles of bodies.
Speaker E: We're talking about people Sims or animals.
Speaker D: Yeah, people.
Speaker F: Sims.
Speaker E: Okay.
Speaker F: Tangle. Okay. Yeah.
Speaker D: But that's how sex worked. In my head.
Speaker B: I was like, oh, it's true.
Speaker G: About The Sims thing.
Speaker F: Wow.
Speaker E: Yeah. How could you?
Speaker G: That is so much weirder than sneaking, like, cinemax after hours. That is fucking weird.
Speaker D: I also killed them, so it's fine.
Speaker A: I also have a weird story about The Sims that I remember from high school.
Speaker B: Okay.
Speaker A: And it wasn't directly to me. A friend of mine was the only one that I remember when we were younger who had a PC and he played The Sims. And he did, uh, an elaborate comic based on his experience with this one set of sims that he had in this house, which effectively resorted to putting sims into a room, removing the door, setting the room on fire, and then continuing to do that over and over and over again. But I remember there was this one line where it was like the confusion of Richard, and that he's just there with his hands on his head, just like, where's the door? Obviously, the room inside is a blaze.
Speaker A: And there's a few people in there. But I always remember that. The confusion of Richard.
Speaker G: When did your friend graduate to putting cigarettes out on.
Speaker D: Did put? I would create purposefully huge families and then create a, uh, graveyard. If they die in the house, they come and haunt you. But I made sure nobody mourned anybody. I have some issues, but I worked them all out. I worked all of my issues out on The Sims.
Speaker E: Peek inside Katie's psyche.
Speaker D: I don't need any therapy.
Speaker G: Clearly. Well adjusted. You're doing great. Just awesome.
Speaker B: Wow.
Speaker A: The confusion of Richard.
Speaker C: This has gotten really off track.
Speaker B: So, speaking of fire, I think there was fired Richard confusion of so they end up successfully, uh, being able to, we believe, explode the Santa, which I do think Santa Daddy, uh, which I do think could be a problem, which is where the sequel could come in because he was in ice. And then you blow it up, so to speak. But then that would just essentially melt the ice that he's encased. That it doesn't come to that.
Speaker E: Seem pretty final. That building goes boom in a huge.
Speaker A: Yeah, it doesn't seem particularly believable.
Speaker C: The baby Santas are no longer under his control.
Speaker B: Oh, that is true.
Speaker G: It's like Dracula.
Speaker E: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker E: There's a lot in this movie that sort of like assumes you're making some connections. The movie does not spell a lot out. That's one example. There's a lot of like they just assume you're going to keep up and make some that's fair and no bad or wrong about it. It's nice. They don't over explain it. But it does imagine you are maybe an adult with a good knowledge of like you've seen some stories before.
Speaker A: It would be awesome if it was like the blood of Dracula and they gathered the bones of Dracula to resurrect him from the grave.
Speaker E: So they get the elves of the Santas trapped in the pen, which is electrified, by the way. We saw them electrify it earlier.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: He switches it. The little boy switches it on. The boy has now become a man.
Speaker F: Yes.
Speaker B: Now you have a bunch of naked Santa elves.
Speaker A: They're running towards camera in slow motion.
Speaker E: What are you going to do with them all?
Speaker B: What would be the first thing you think of?
Speaker E: Human trafficking is the answer. Human trafficking.
Speaker B: That is what I wrote. They wrote that they start a supernatural human trafficking business.
Speaker A: That really is what out, which is it's not wrong.
Speaker B: Because I wonder, do they have to eat? They've been trapped in ice encased under for however long. They've been trapped under there in this burial mound. So they are supernatural creatures. So I assume that they don't need sustenance. So maybe it does make it a good business decision.
Speaker G: That said, though, the whole reason we're here is because they very obviously have genitals. And maybe they're just for fucking, but I would imagine they're also for excreting.
Speaker B: That is true.
Speaker G: I don't know if they have assholes, but they probably do.
Speaker E: They do seem tempted by gingerbread cookies.
Speaker C: He does eat a gingerbread cookie.
Speaker B: Maybe milk.
Speaker C: Reindeer.
Speaker E: Yeah, you're right.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: They slaughtered those reindeer, but they didn't eat them.
Speaker C: No, they were still pretty messed them up.
Speaker E: You sure?
Speaker B: They looked like they were like you think?
Speaker E: Yeah.
Speaker B: Ah, ripped out.
Speaker E: Why would they kill them if they weren't not to eat them, just to be menacing.
Speaker G: But yeah, I mean, that would fucking scare me. If I saw somebody was able to tear apart a reindeer for fun, I'd get the fuck out of there.
Speaker D: It was like 50 reindeer.
Speaker F: Exactly. Yeah.
Speaker A: Also, reindeer are notoriously mean.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: So they could have been trying to attack them.
Speaker B: We have seen jingle all the way.
Speaker A: Um, reindeer are pretty fierce, which you.
Speaker G: Can buy for 499 at Best Buy right now.
Speaker B: I know this worth every penny.
Speaker A: Wow.
Speaker B: Put the cookie down.
Speaker F: Put the booger down.
Speaker B: Favorite Christmas movie.
Speaker F: Okay.
Speaker B: Yeah, whatever.
Speaker B: We have a herd of, uh, little elves, naked elves. And yeah, we start a human trafficking business.
Speaker A: We clean them up.
Speaker B: They scrub m them down. That's the final penis scene, is where you get them all in the shower. It's like a prison.
Speaker A: We clean them up.
Speaker G: Schindler's List.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: Scrub them down with brushes and mops. And, uh, clean them up and teach them how to love again.
Speaker G: I mean, not the full shower treatment from Schindler's List, obviously.
Speaker D: I think, uh, teach them how to love, period. Because they have been stuck in ice.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: They've never loved.
Speaker D: Yeah. I think they were just Santa daddy. Yeah, Santa daddy was their brain. And now they don't know what to do.
Speaker G: I mean, they don't specify what they're trafficking them for.
Speaker B: Although they're trafficking them to be Santas.
Speaker G: Again, we're assuming a lot. Did they explicitly say that?
Speaker B: I don't know. It's pretty obvious.
Speaker D: I have a question, because when they find the guy, he has, like, a wallet on him, doesn't he?
Speaker C: He stole that American's clothes, right?
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: Oh, okay.
Speaker E: Yeah, you're right.
Speaker D: I was like, are these guys that have been bewitched and but no, he had just stolen the American stuff.
Speaker C: Yeah, I liken that part. Like, when they find his wallet and is, uh, that thing, and they're like, he's 56. I'm like, that man is obviously not 56.
Speaker G: That guy has lived a life.
Speaker B: Have you seen his pubes? No, exactly. That's why? Because he's so old.
Speaker F: 50. Ah.
Speaker B: Six year old would have pretty hefty pubes.
Speaker G: Let me tell you.
Speaker B: I've seen some 50 year old, 56 year old pubes.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: But yeah, they train him to, I guess, be like mall Santas. Big stuffed kid. OOH, that reminds me. One of the low key things that just they glossed over that I love is like that weird stick child effigy that they find in the bed.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker E: I really enjoy that little touch. They don't focus on it, but I thought that was one of those little creepy elements.
Speaker B: It was very like the weird kid.
Speaker D: It's like a child made of straw.
Speaker B: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker E: It's like some wicker man chick.
Speaker D: I liked that.
Speaker B: I love when they see, uh, when the original kid, our main kid, sees that in his friend's bed, brings it downstairs and shows his father, he goes, they've taken him. Your son is gone. He goes, uh, he'll be back later. And he keeps bringing it up. He's like, Your son is still gone. He's like, it's fine. Like, not worried about it at all. No one is worried about their kids missing. There's just one kid left, and he's the one leading this army to take care of these.
Speaker E: To be fair, that small child is heavily armed, to be fair.
Speaker A: And also, they're kind of grown up, uh, on the preface, that, uh, anytime a, um, mythical creature could just snatch them up and take them away if they were being a bastard.
Speaker B: And every one of those kids was a piece of shit. So saying something. Yeah, every single one.
Speaker E: So they deserve to be swung around below the helicopter in the freezing cold and eustace bait is the point.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: They're not going to do that shit again.
Speaker A: It is a jarring moment, certainly, when the child is hanging off, like holding on, uh, to the undercarriage as it's soaring through the air. It's a jarring moment to watch.
Speaker E: Do you think the Santas would only come after them if they were bad?
Speaker A: Yes, I think that's part of the lore.
Speaker E: That's my take, too. I was just curious because he comes in when they've got the first Santa in there. He comes in to be like, Spank me. You have to.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: Punish me for being punished me for being because he wants what's, um, the Catholic word for it?
Speaker G: Penance.
Speaker E: Yeah, he wants, like, penance for that.
Speaker A: So he won't be the only consistent thing in.
Speaker E: More than me because they.
Speaker B: Can sniff him out.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: Sorry.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: They're just smelling out the bad kids.
Speaker G: Anyway, something that could have made the film better is that there would have been one good kid to m establish that they didn't give a fuck about that one.
Speaker A: Or maybe a woman's perspective, since obviously there's no women in the film either.
Speaker D: No, I think that our main character.
Speaker A: Kid is I'm trying to help myself from all the Black Pete stuff.
Speaker B: Well, the main kid is a good he's a decently good kid, but yeah, but I don't know. You might be right. Maybe it's just all children. They got to eat the kids or.
Speaker E: Take them to Santa Daddy.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: For final judgment.
Speaker D: Take them to Santa Daddy.
Speaker B: That's true.
Speaker E: Yeah. That's my gut as to what was happening. They were there as an offering for when he woke up from the ice.
Speaker D: I am curious, like, does this director not have women in his other movies?
Speaker A: I mean, not when the kid and Sam Jackson are getting top billing on the other film that he made. So probably not.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: Who knows?
Speaker E: I hope the mic is picking up the dog.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: He's picking up so much noise.
Speaker G: Every dog is going on my hand. Can't get enough.
Speaker B: This Christmas party is.
Speaker G: Visible.
Speaker A: There is always a dog like creature at a Christmas party trying to lick everybody we all know.
Speaker B: Okay.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: Trying to wrap get him out of here. Crying out loud. So this film actually did win quite a few awards. Um best motion picture, cinematography and director and special mention for best European motion picture, um at Switzerland's Lucarno International Film Festival. A few other things. They won a lot of things. They did a good job and everyone liked it.
Speaker E: It's a good looking movie, honestly.
Speaker B: It does look very good.
Speaker E: It's a really good looking movie.
Speaker B: It does look very good. And it's fun. And I do also, as we were saying before, kind of appreciate the alternative Christmas film, uh, as a switch up from Our Home Alones and Our Wonderful Lives.
Speaker D: Scrooged.
Speaker B: Yeah, those are all good.
Speaker A: I don't know. Well, thing is, Scrooged is an alternative Christmas.
Speaker B: That's true. I don't know. It's the first one that came to I'm thinking about the ones that I.
Speaker A: Like to fucking Christmas Story. I mean, there's not anything more Christmassy than Christmas story. Or the Santa Claus. Or Santa Claus. The movie. The one with fucking Dudley Moore.
Speaker G: That's terrible.
Speaker A: It's a fucking shitty movie.
Speaker E: It is awful.
Speaker A: The fucking crack.
Speaker E: Oh, my God. M this is as an adult. Oh, my God. Santa Claus. I love that. When I was a kid, I would watch it on repeat.
Speaker A: I've watched it every year. It's always been on TV at like, 10:00 in the morning, always on TV.
Speaker E: But not anymore.
Speaker A: Yeah. I can't remember who plays Santa. Cannot remember for the life of me who plays Santa in that movie. But I remember Dudley Moore being in that fucking movie.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: I mean, I was a big Arthur fan.
Speaker G: Jesus Christ.
Speaker E: A lot to look back at that.
Speaker B: So we're going to go around the table and we're going to do ratings. And I have a couple questions for you guys after we do this. But I'm going to start with myself because I feel like it. And we're going to go and do we're going to rate the film on visibility and context five being the most. Visibility, like the best. Context zero obviously being the worst. And then we're going to do the same thing for the film. Uh, zero out of five. And so for me, I'm giving the context five and the visibility five. Like, this is there's so much you can see it. There's tons. I mean, there's not really any disputing that so if anyone says less than five, I'm going to have questions for you. Um, and I don't even know what else to say about the context because there's like these dudes encased in ice, these supernatural Santa elf dudes. And I mean, how else are you going to put that together? I really don't know. And I gave the film a four. I gave the film a four.
Speaker F: Okay.
Speaker B: Because I like it and it's different and it's short.
Speaker A: Excellent.
Speaker B: We're going to go to Renee.
Speaker C: Okay. Um, well, I think I was told I should give it a five for the penis context, if you'd like.
Speaker F: I don't know.
Speaker A: I don't really don't feel bullied.
Speaker B: Renee, i, uh, am a big bully.
Speaker A: She is the biggest.
Speaker C: But you can see it. I like how he's hunched over for a while. Like the first dick reveal. It's the first one I remember when he's in the room.
Speaker B: Okay.
Speaker C: Um, and it's like I was waiting for it. Waiting for it. Waiting for it. And they really gave it to you. You know what I mean? He unraveled himself.
Speaker B: There's even a moment where he's crouching down where I think you can see it, probably. But I felt like kind of they're old and things.
Speaker F: Is that it?
Speaker C: Or is that just some extra skin? No. Um, uh, and then I gave it a three and a half. I, um, like it. It's fun. I watched it a few times, so I enjoyed it. And three and a half is good for me.
Speaker B: That's a pretty good rating for yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Speaker D: Um, this is Katie. I give it five for all of the things.
Speaker B: Oh, great.
Speaker D: Yeah. Five stars for penis, sight, context, whatever. Those ratings are perfect.
Speaker B: I guess.
Speaker D: Uh, overall, I would do four and a half. Not going to give it a five because I don't know.
Speaker B: Yeah, I'm with you on that. I think I give it a four. I think on letterbox I gave it a three and a half. It just depends on my mood, how I want to swing. But it's definitely fun to watch with other people as well. If you have it in that context, like if you're watching it at the cinema and stuff, it makes it a little bit more exciting than watching it just chilling at home. Yeah.
Speaker D: When I'm watching it at the end with crowd and there's people there that haven't seen it before. And, um, that's a different experience than watching it by yourself. But I don't think I've, ah, shown this to my parents yet. So I should do that because he's.
Speaker G: Going to love it.
Speaker D: That would be funny. I remember quick, uh, segue. Uh, I showed my parents nocturnal animals and I forgot the opening scene.
Speaker B: It was a good movie, I agree.
Speaker G: Didn't expect a Tom Ford shout out.
Speaker D: I'm full of surprises.
Speaker B: Josh okay, ty I'm ready.
Speaker E: Um, so visibility and context. I'm going to go four and a half.
Speaker B: Okay.
Speaker E: I'm dinging it only because it's like there's a lot sheer volume. I would give it a five. There's a lot of dicks in this movie. I salute that. But there's a lot beyond the scene. Like in the butcher house with the first one, it's largely dark and there's a lot of heavy shadow and they're kind of hunched and running. So there's like you're seeing the dicks, but the visibility could be better. It makes sense in the movie, but if we're all things being equal, you could see more of those dicks.
Speaker B: The shower scene, you can see quite.
Speaker F: A bit of them.
Speaker A: You do.
Speaker E: But everything after that volume, you're not wrong. A lot of dicks. Love it, but I'm dinging at half a point.
Speaker F: Got it.
Speaker E: The movie, I'm going four. It's very enjoyable. Love an annual viewing. Solid, knows what it wants to do, gets in, gets out, doesn't waste your time. 83 minutes.
Speaker F: Love it.
Speaker B: Wonderful.
Speaker G: Okay, Josh, um, I'm actually going to go a little bit lower for content, uh, and visibility, context, invisibility, I'm going to give it a four.
Speaker F: Okay.
Speaker G: And I think that it's going to build on what you said. I think that they, uh, do quantity over quality. Uh, they could have thrown in some close ups. Uh, and I do think because I have seen it annually, I see it in theater. And last year watching it on small screen for the first time, when there's a lot on screen, it's hard to make out what's going on, I think, unless you're really looking. And, uh, it's not easy. I feel like if you can't passively watch it and know that the penises are there, it can't be a five.
Speaker E: Okay, fair point.
Speaker G: Um, uh, but I will say as well, on a scale of zero to five, I give it a four. Um, just overall, it's a staple of Christmas movies. Now for me, I watch it every year. Uh, it's not as good as Gremlins, but few things are. So, yeah, that's where I land on it. Enjoyable, good rewatch value. Solid flick.
Speaker B: Okay.
Speaker A: Ryan right. Um, so in terms of the context, the visibility, I have no issue with the visibility. So I guess that would be somewhere around the kind of four or five mark. I start to question the context as to why, one, what are these helpers meant to be representing? Why do they do look like Santa Claus? Are they basically kind of minions that are reflective of their master and what that master is meant to look like? And I kind of have to wonder, why do they all have dicks? They're kind of meant to be these mystical creatures. Now, I don't have an issue with them actually being kind of humanoid and kind of having genitals and all this sort of thing. And I can only just assume that maybe they were clothed at some, um, point and obviously, due the process of time had been frozen, that those clothes are rotted away and they have zero issue with just running around in the nutty. But I guess it's a choice. Um, and it kind of works out. I do kind of question it a little bit. Um, but at the same time, I don't kind of fawn over this film maybe as much as some people do. I kind of only gave it a three, but for at least the most part, I mean, it's entertaining, it's funny, I'm never bored by it. And it is incredibly respectful of your time. And there is far worse things you can do with 80 something minutes of your time than watch this movie. Yeah, but yeah, I don't know, I delve in a little bit deeper. But I mean, this is what it is.
Speaker B: Well, I think in terms of the context and how these are supernatural type of beings and whether they were clothed or not, what they represent, I'm assuming, and why they have penises are all valid questions. And I'm happy to leave that open just to have it as it is.
Speaker A: Will someone listen to this and tell us there's a reason why? But I mean, I guess I don't really need to know a reason why I asked the question. No one does.
Speaker G: Do you think that in their theology, maybe Eve, uh, didn't eat the apple and so they are just nude?
Speaker A: I mean, there is no women there.
Speaker G: Yeah, maybe there wasn't even an Eve to fuck things up.
Speaker F: Shit.
Speaker G: Just saying. Just pitfall in here.
Speaker E: Wow, this film just got just turned into an onion baby. We're peeling back the layers on this.
Speaker D: Thing, bringing the misogyny. Thanks, Josh.
Speaker G: No problem. Anytime.
Speaker B: Well, as we're wrapping this up, is there anything you guys wanted to bring up before, um, I wanted to ask you guys a question before we jumped out of this Christmas party, but is there anything else that was kind of on your mind before we closed the.
Speaker A: Doors, and we're like, look, yeah, the party's over.
Speaker B: Is there a part that you really liked that you wanted to bring up? Renee?
Speaker C: Um, we didn't talk about the rules, like, how to behave in front of Santa. That the entrepreneur. Whoever that guy wanted the remains dug up. He gave him rules of conduct. It was like, uh, no smoking, uh, no cursing, no heavy drinking, no your mama jokes. Um, I can't remember if there were any others, but those were all in there. And that was actually also a part of the short, too. They're like, not piss off Santa. Yeah. But if you, like, in the short, it also is like, don't be your.
Speaker E: Be a good boy.
Speaker C: Be a good boy or girl. And I think that's where things started to go wrong, because there were cigarettes on the ground.
Speaker F: Yeah. And they found, like, an empty bottle.
Speaker E: Or something, like they were drinking. I think it's very subtle, but you're right.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker E: They allude the fact that the miners or whatever, the archaeologists digging them up were bad boys.
Speaker C: They were bad boys. And if I was there, I would have followed those rules.
Speaker B: Archaeologists never follow the rules, and that's why we get into bother.
Speaker B: So I wanted to ask you guys if there is one Christmas movie and it could be rare exports that you have to have to, have to I know there's probably a ton that's on your kind of Christmas watch.
Speaker D: List.
Speaker B: But if there's one that you will be furious that you miss in a year that you have to have to watch, what would it, um, start? We can go the other way. So we could start with Ryan.
Speaker A: If there's just your number one, um, muppet skirts, carol.
Speaker B: Okay.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: I have to see it every year. It's a great movie. It's not even just a good Christmas movie. It's a great movie.
Speaker B: You added it to kind of our typical watch list, because I never really watched it's.
Speaker A: A film I've watched consistently since I was, like, six or seven years. It's just yeah, it's just a great movie.
Speaker B: Michael Caine.
Speaker A: Michael Caine. The best of the best.
Speaker B: Okay. Josh?
Speaker G: Um batman returns. Yeah, that's that's it for me. Batman Returns, uh, is the movie that I have to watch every year, and I'm still very irritated that nobody's hired me to show it anywhere at Christmas time. I beg my clients and nobody they do not agree with me.
Speaker B: Okay.
Speaker E: I love that movie. One of my oldest friends, if you ask him to do the, uh, Christopher Walken impersonation, he immediately goes, Santa Claus phrase not.
Speaker B: And I love that.
Speaker E: That's his go to walken. I love it so much. Um oh, mine is, with no question, Gremlins. I mean, Gremlins is maybe one of I mean, maybe my favorite movie of all time. I don't know. It's got everything. It's.
Speaker G: Horror.
Speaker E: It's comedy. It's got good performances, great sets, great, uh, effects. I mean, it's a classic for a reason. It's a great movie any time of the year, but it is also decidedly a Christmas movie.
Speaker B: Yeah, that's true. Okay, Katie.
Speaker D: Uh, so Muppets Christmas Carol is up there for me, but as of late, the last few years, it's been White Christmas, um, because it just puts me in a nice mood. It's a very white people thing to say. But I do like that movie.
Speaker G: You want to come over and watch Holiday Inn and see if you like that more?
Speaker D: No, I don't, but thank you.
Speaker A: I mean, that's just two movies of people just singing around a piano, right? I mean, that's basically what that is.
Speaker G: Holiday Inn is the first time White Christmas appeared in a movie sung, but that also has blackface in an entire sequence.
Speaker D: Yeah. I'm going to skip the Holiday Inn.
Speaker G: Worth listening to the audio commentary where there's a film historian who doesn't seem to have a problem with it. It's really uncomfortable.
Speaker A: But then we find that out at that, uh, what was that Danny Elfman movie, um, that we saw at the NZ in that other time where it.
Speaker D: Was like Forbidden Zone?
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker A: Where they changed the people to clowns as opposed to having blackface. And the guy that we spoke to afterwards seemed to be protesting.
Speaker E: Oh, my.
Speaker D: He was upset about.
Speaker B: Whatever.
Speaker G: Like, if Ted Turner did it. Yeah, that's probably kind of fucked up and weird. But the director made a choice that, hey, we thought we were being edgy. We were being fucking bigoted. So I think that that is okay. You can adapt your own work to the times. Jesus.
Speaker C: Uh, I don't really have an answer for this. I'm just happy to watch Christmas movies. But I think I've gotten to the ritual of, uh, gremlins with Ty and Die Hard, which I do believe is a Christmas movie.
Speaker A: Fuck yes.
Speaker C: Ah, there's many Christmas songs in it. It's a Christmas party and the sweater. Yeah. Um, but m truly, my real answer is a YouTube super cut of all the Harry Potter Christmas Eve.
Speaker E: I can confirm that.
Speaker G: Sounds like an endurance test.
Speaker A: Oh, jeez.
Speaker E: It's not that long.
Speaker B: It's basically just a bunch of kids.
Speaker E: Saying Happy Christmas over and over again.
Speaker C: And they decorate the tree.
Speaker B: Happy Christmas, Harry.
Speaker E: Exactly.
Speaker B: Happy Christmas, Ron.
Speaker A: Oh, God, those movies. Fucking movies.
Speaker B: Um, and we all said different things, which I love very. Oh, okay. You said diehard. Obviously. I watch diehard every year.
Speaker B: I love diehard. And it's something that I always watch on Christmas Day. But I never ever miss Jingle all the way I never miss it.
Speaker G: It's a solid one. It's great. It is a great film.
Speaker B: I'll take any excuse to watch Arnold. And you put him in a Christmas movie.
Speaker G: It's one of the last, I feel, of the mean spirited 90s family movies like, it's really cruel in a lot of ways. And, like, Phil Hartman is like this fucking all the moms in town, but it's PG. It's really pretty great for what it is you about.
Speaker E: That is the last of the good, mean spirited studio.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: I was watching, um, Home Alone Two the other night, and I had to jot down this quote because it did really strike me that, ah, this was a time and place, man. Uh, no. Joe Pesci says to Macaulay Culkin, I've got a gun in my pocket. You open your mouth and you'll be spitting gum out through your forehead. That's something an adult says to a child in a PG family Christmas movie, and I love it. That would not happen anymore.
Speaker B: No, that's true.
Speaker D: Uh, didn't even get it to PG. Home Alone Two is up there for me as well. I just like saying two turtle doves.
Speaker G: I mean, if I were that homeless lady, I would not be happy with that little kid.
Speaker D: No, uh, that's a toy store guy.
Speaker G: I know the toy store guy says it, but he gives the turtle doves to the pigeon lady.
Speaker B: Brenda not food or not a good gift. They're staying at the Plaza.
Speaker G: That motherfucker spent a lot of money on some stupid shit that he could have given to the poor Brendan Fricker.
Speaker B: Yeah, I do like that kind of counter. It was like that YouTube video where they counted how many times they would have actually died based on his pranks and his traps that he set for them. And I find that very amusing. And he'll describe how they would have died from whatever brain injury or from burning and suffocating.
Speaker G: Is it the same where he recreates them?
Speaker B: Oh, I don't think I've seen that.
Speaker G: Like, a 15 or 20 minutes video where a guy recreates them with anatomically, uh, correct mannequins, essentially, so the paint cans would crush their skull. And it shows that it's pretty wild.
Speaker B: Okay, well, watch that, ah, later tonight.
Speaker A: Oh, I can't wait. Yeah, that's the thing. He has access to a phone the entire time. I'm not the only person to have said this, because I think I'm paraphrasing from someone on Twitter. But he has access to a phone. The phones did go out time.
Speaker G: Yeah, but he's walking to the grocery store. He could have gotten there is for a while.
Speaker B: He was pretty happy because he did think that he did witch them away.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker B: So he was pretty fucking stoked to have all those assholes out of that.
Speaker A: The phones might have been out, but he does eventually call the police at the end of the movie after he's.
Speaker G: Close to murdered these men. Which also, Joe Pesci is funny in it, but Daniel Stern is like Buster Keaton level physical comedy in those movies.
Speaker A: Yeah, 100%.
Speaker G: Uh, in the second one, when he's getting those bricks thrown at his face, I still full body laugh at that, like, very stupid child. And I love it. I still love it.
Speaker B: Yeah, they're really great.
Speaker B: Well, goodness gracious. Uh, thank you guys so much for all coming together and, uh, dealing with the dog who's still making noise and, um, joining us. And this is our 40th episode.
Speaker A: I think the dog needs to poop because it smells like farts in here.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: It'S either him or one of us guys. I don't know who's going to own up to it.
Speaker G: All of us doing some gross.
Speaker A: Thank God the dog's in here.
Speaker B: Eh, someone to blame.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker B: So, yeah, our 40th episode. And thanks for coming around and having fun with us and talking about rare exports a little bit and then lots of other things for the most part, which is fun. So Christmas penises.
Speaker G: Thank you for having us, one and all.
Speaker F: Yay.
Speaker B: Santa daddy.
Speaker E: Episode 40 of Christmas Tale.
Speaker F: Yes.
Speaker B: So, yeah, uh, happy holidays and all that stuff, uh, coming to you from this cursed archaeological dig in Finland. I've been laura norway. We already talked about this, okay? We talked about this. Where is that hill? Okay, anyway, Ryan's here, Josh is here, ty is here, katie's here, renee's here, we're all here. And, uh, thank you, guys. So, uh, we'll see you next year.
Speaker A: That's the end.
Speaker F: Yeah.
Speaker G: Okay, good.
Speaker E: All right, let's talk about some dicks.